Look, I’m ‘getting on a bit’ myself, Ok, but that doesn’t make me ‘old people’, in this sense.

"What sense?", I hear you say - read on…

How to spot "Old People" that need despising:

• they "fought in the war" for me

No you fucking didn’t. You fought in the war for YOU. I wasn’t born then. Fighting in the war was a totally self-motivated activity. Sure, it was brave and it was almost certainly the right thing to do - Hitler needed taking down, totally agree. Just don’t bring me into it, OK. I didn’t ‘create’ Hitler, or any of the other ‘threats’ that you fought to prevent. I wasn’t around and am not the slightest bit ‘grateful’. So fuck off. I am paying for your pension, alright, and if you don’t stop harping on about the War, I’ll vote for any party that offers to reduce pensions, OK?, so just leave it out.

• Walk slowly in super markets and get in my way.

Now, I don’t mean the ones that have some kind of walking difficulties. I mean the perfectly healthy ones that are ‘having a natter’ with others of their ilk. Just because they have nothing better to do than have lengthy discussions about ‘kids today’ and the price of tea, doesn’t mean they have a right to force the rest of us busy follk to move at their speed. Pull over to the side of the aisle and leave a gap for me, and you can talk all day without getting jabbed in the back by my shopping trolley. And another thing, when you get to the checkout, don’t have a chat with the girl about holidays and shit, she isn’t really interested and doesn’t remember that you come here every single day. See, she has a life - it might not be a great life, but it has more things in it than yours does, You see, unlike you, ‘being in the supermarket’ is not the highlight of her week. Nope, don’t hang around, just pay for your tin of cat food and bottle of camp coffee, and get out of my fucking way.

• Always vote for the same political party.

Yeah, plenty of people do that, right? Let me qualify it a little then. They always vote for the same party despite never understanding anything that any of the politicians say or do. They vote the same way because, either, their parents always did, and they don’t want to change a tradition, or they once met that nice Mr Gladstone and he had a lovely smile. Yeah, that was a vote worth fighting in the War for, right?

However, there are some who do change the way they vote and STILL need despising. These are the sort who vote for the last doorstepper who told them he would increase their pensions. Jeez, the worlds going to hell, there’s global warming knocking on the door, Wars and Famine everywhere you look - an extra 10p a week on your pension is NOT the most important reason to vote for SlickWilly Brownnose, OK?

• They smell of wee

Yes, its a cliche, but they do. You couldn’t expect me to leave this out just because its a stock in trade of every ‘alternative’ stand up comedian.